How Soon is Now?
by Aiedail01
Summary: Letters sent while Craig is in rehab. Rated T for language.
1. How Soon is Now?

Summary: Letters sent while Craig is in rehab. Rated T for language.

Author: Aiedail! Margee!

Music that helped: Cute is What We Aim For

I guess this is another "Craig-in-rehab" story... but told in letters! Yeahhh!

How Soon is Now is a song by The Smiths.

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.

So... here it is.

--------------

How Soon is Now?

Chapter 1: How Soon is Now?

_I am the son  
and the heir  
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar  
I am the son and heir  
of nothing in particular_

You shut your mouth  
how can you say  
I go about things the wrong way  
I am human and I need to be loved  
just like everybody else does

There's a club if you'd like to go  
you could meet somebody who really loves you  
So you go, and you stand on your own  
and you leave on your own  
and you go home, and you cry  
and you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen "now"  
well, when exactly do you mean?  
see I've already waited too long  
and all my hope is gone  


--------------

Dear Ellie,

I don't expect you to write back. Hell, I don't expect you to even read this.

But as soon as I got here, you were the first person I wanted to talk to.

You're probably never going to forgive me. But I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I know, I know, I've said it so many times. I'll change, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you...

This time I mean it. I meant it with all my heart. You are so important to me and I don't want to lose you. And I'll keep telling you this until you forgive me.

-Craig

--------------

Dear Joey,

I'm settled in fine. Everyone here is nice, if not overly-friendly.

Our days are great! We have delicious food, and everyone (surprisingly) gets along. We all share and help each other out.

My roommate's name is Jake. He's so funny! We have a ton of stuff in common.

I talk to my therapist and he's really helping me to get better.

See you soon and say hi to Angie for me!

Craig

--------------

_You shut your mouth  
how can you say  
I go about things the wrong way  
I am human and I need to be loved  
just like everybody else does_

--------------

So... review and tell me what you think! It's not much for the beginning, but I've got more coming up.


	2. Edge of a Broken Heart

Okay, I have 37 hits, one alert, and 0 reviews! Tell me how that works out!

It's not that hard.

Just click, type something random (any type of proof that people are reading this is appreciated) and click again!

(cought cough that means you HALEY STARLIGHT!) – yes I will call you on it for not reviewing!

Anyway...

Edge of a Broken Heart is by Vixen

So here!

How Soon is Now?

Chapter 2: Edge of a Broken Heart

--------------

_I can't believe I could've been so blind, but love is strange  
I thought about it for a long long time, but the truth remains  
I don't need another lonely night to dry my tears  
The answer's plain as black and white, and I can see the picture very clear_

I been living on the edge of a broken heart  
I don't wanna fall, I don't wanna crawl  
I been living on the edge of a broken heart  
Don't you wonder why I gotta say goodbye

It isn't like you never had the chance to change your tune  
Did you think that I'm a dime a dance, well the dance is through  
I been doing things your way too long, but baby that's over (baby that's over)  
It won't be easy, but I gotta be strong  
And if I wanna cry I don't need your shoulder

I'll find someone else who's nothing like you  
And who can play the game as well  
And you're gonna be sorry baby - when it's over  


_--------------_

Craig,

Joey told me you were in rehab. He gave me your address.

I don't even know why I'm writing. I shouldn't be. I dumped you, and I'm glad. But I didn't get the chance to tell you why. I could have, but you were too high to understand. And you need to.

You really hurt me, Craig. You hurt me so bad. For days after you left, I was crying in my room. I couldn't sleep, I'd stay up all night thinking of what I did wrong. Why I wasn't good enough for you.

I knew you liked Ellie... I just hoped I could make you like me more. I'm kind of your fall back girlfriend, right? When Ashley dumps you, there I am to pick you up. When you're confused about Ellie, there I am, to kiss you and say it's okay.

And all the band practices I came to, wearing those low-cut tops and tight jeans? It was to distract you. I knew that if I left you alone with her for too long, both of you would realize... and get rid of me.

Easy sex, right? Little Manny Santos, she'll do it with anyone, she's so easily convinced. She can't make her own decisions. She'll do anything to be popular. 

So why did I finally dump you? After putting up with it for years?

You always put EVERYTHING before me, Craig. Your family, your friends, your music, Ellie...

But you finally put in front of me something that wasn't a person. A person- I can sort of in some twisted way understand and could let go of. But choosing a little bag full of white powder over your own girlfriend? That's just bad, Craig.

This Little Manny Santos is smarter than she looks. I can take care of myself now. I've really been reconsidering my life- making better decisions. I've moved back in with my family, did you know? I have a boyfriend who likes me because of my personality, not my looks.

I guess this is sort of like closure. Just letting it out, telling you what's on my mind.

I still love you. I don't know why. You are a self-centered jerk who uses girls and takes advantage of them. But I never want to be your girlfriend again, and I don't want to have another relationship. You're just like my first REAL REAL boyfriend and I'll always care about you.

I hope you get better, Craig, I really do.

Yours,

Manny

--------------

_  
I been doing things your way too long, baby that's over (baby that's over)  
It won't be easy, but I've got to be strong  
And if I wanna cry I don't need your shoulder_

I been living on the edge of a broken heart  
I been living on the edge of a broken heart  
Don't you wonder why I gotta say goodbye  
I been living on the edge of a broken heart

--------------

So review!!!


	3. Stop Me if You Think

Thank you, Haley!! You are mucho awesome!! ) And also thank you to Music XnX Lyrics!!

But yet again- another person to yell at.

HARROC83!!!! What's up with you? I see your name on my alert list! And you could not find the time to review for me?

Also, 116 HITS! (Yes- I keep a close eye on my stats.) And 1 review? NOT GOOD. I accept anonymous reviews, people!

So...

Stop Me if You Think You've Heard This One Before is by The Smiths.

Also, I decided to include song lyrics if I felt like it. (I didn't today.)

How Soon is Now?

Chapter 3: Stop Me if You Think You've Heard This One Before

--------------

Dear Ellie,

Life sucks here. I can't stop thinking about you. Please please please write back.

You know how torturous this is? My roommate fucking hates me. I didn't do anything to him! I came in, said "hi Jake!" and he told me not to talk to him. I can't even ask him to pass the damn mayonnaise at lunch! (I tried- "Jake, could I have the mayonnaise?" "Your voice makes me want to strangle you- I would stop talking.")

I don't even have my guitar. They took it away from me, like everything else. I feel so violated, Ellie. No one trusts me. They think I'll get high off of my shampoo, they think I'll cut myself with pencil lead, they think I'll break open the pens and drink the ink.

The food here sucks. All the food is mushy and bland. We have pasta and mashed potatoes every day, with white bread. We have turkey sandwiches and limp pancakes. We drink water and watery apple juice. What, do they think good food will excite us and cause a revolt? Seriously. They should give us more credit.

Most of the guys here are extremely violent. When we have group sharing, half of the time is spent talking about the perks of non-violent discussions. I'm probably one of the only ones who hasn't punched someone out while on drugs.

I miss you. Please, please, please write back.

Love, love, love, love,

Craig

--------------

Dear Joey,

I'm glad I had the chance to talk to you on the phone the other day- and I'm so glad things are going so well at home. Angie sounds like she's having fun too!

And of course I don't mind if you don't visit this week- I'm doing fine. I don't want you to have to leave your life to visit me.

I'm sorry I took advantage of you and I'm glad you were my guardian for so long. Did I ever tell you that? Group therapy here is helping me to be grateful for what I have and to share my feelings more openly.

Thanks so much!

Love,

Craig

--------------

Dear Manny,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I don't know how many times I have to say it. Ashley told me once- "Until you mean it."

And I do, Manny, I MEAN IT. I am so sorry you wouldn't believe it.

I did take advantage of you. I treated you like shit, Manny, and you were always there for me. You helped me so much and I don't know what I would have done without you. You keep me sane.

I still love you too. I know it'll never work, but... I do love you.

I'm sorry.

Love,

Craig

--------------

Okay. I EXPECT REVIEWS. Got it? 


	4. Time: The Clock of the Heart

Oh my god, I am SO sorry!! I honestly did NOT mean to be rude about it... I was kidding! Please, please forgive me. I'm not a mean person! I hate being mean and I totally didn't realize that I was. Gahhh. I feel so bad now!

Once again, I am REALLY REALLY SORRY!!!

Music XnX Lyrics- that is a REALLY cool idea!! I hadn't even thought of Ashley... I will DEFINITELY write a letter from her!!

Time (The Clock of the Heart) is by Culture Club

How Soon is Now?

Chapter 4: Time (The Clock of the Heart)

--------------

Dear Craig,

Remember that time way back in grade 7? When you came with me to find my dad? We skipped school and took the bus there. That was fun.

When I compare that time to now, I honestly can't believe it. Craig, what you did to Manny and Ellie was absolutely AWFUL.

I don't know what made me think of that. But I know that you aren't a bad person. You can be incredibly sweet and nice and you do know how to be there for someone.

I've always thought we were a little bit alike...

I really respect you for how you dealt with being bi-polar. I've never told anyone this, but it kind of inspired me on how to work on my anorexia.

Love,

Emma

--------------

Dear Craig,

Thank you for writing back. I really appreciated what you said, and it did make me feel a whole lot better.

I can't say that I forgive you, yet... you really really hurt me. I still can't believe how you treated me. It doesn't seem real- the Craig I know wouldn't do that.

But I guess I didn't know you that well.

Emma is telling me that you really are sorry. She says she knows you can be a bit of a jerk but that when you say you're sorry, you mean it. I know you mean it, Craig. I know you want it all to be okay. But I don't think it ever will. It's going to take a hell of a lot for me to trust you again.

But thank you for apologizing- I'm really glad that you care about me enough to write back. That counts for something, right?

- Manny

--------------

Craig-

Hey, man. How's it going? This is kind of weird for me to be writing to you, but Emma and Manny are sitting at the table scribbling away. They were talking- they're both mad at you but not really. Or something.

Girls are so confusing.

Anyway... haven't talked to you in awhile. How are things with music?

-Sean

--------------

Not much this time.

What do you think???

(I'm still sooo sorry.)


	5. Don't You Forget About Me

Thanks for reviewing! The Sean letter was just kind of spur of the moment. Haha.

Don't You Forget About Me is by Simple Minds.

How Soon is Now

Chapter 5: Don't You (Forget About Me) 

--------------

_Won't you come see about me  
I'll be alone, dancing --- you know it will be me  
Tell me your troubles and doubts  
Giving me everything inside and out  
Love's strange --- so real in the dark  
Think of the tender things  
That we were working on  
Slow change may pull us apart  
When the light gets into your heart, baby_

Don't you forget about me  
Don't, don't, don't, don't  
Don't you forget about me  
Will you stand above me  
Look my way, never love me  
Rain keeps falling  
Rain keeps falling  
Down, down, down

_  
Will you recognize me  
Call my name  
Gonna walk on fire  
Rain keeps falling  
Rain keeps falling  
Down, down, down_

_Don't you try and pretend  
It's my beginning  
We'll win in the end  
I won't harm you  
Or touch your defenses  
Vanity, insecurity_

Don't you forget about me  
I'll be alone, dancing --- you know it, baby  
Going to take you apart  
I'll build us back together a heart, baby

--------------

Dear Craig,

I didn't think you would keep writing. I thought it was just a guilt thing. But I really did like reading your letters. I'm sorry rehab sucks. But damnit, Craig, you're a DRUG ADDICT. It's a wonder they give you freedom at ALL!

I miss you. I miss you so much. I can't stand not seeing you. I wish I had the courage to call you... I need to talk to you.

That's it for the sappy part. Now it's the "yell-at-Craig-the-bastard" part.

You. Are. A. Fucking. Asshole.

I don't know HOW you even thought that cocaine was a GOOD idea. I can't believe you would KEEP ON DOING IT. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT I CAN'T. I CAN'T. Why would you hurt yourself like that? Why would you lie to me? Why would you hurt ME like that?

I'm rambling now, repeating myself.

ASSHOLE.

You may not have punched anyone while on drugs- but you did tell a girl you loved her. Why? Why did you kiss me like that? Why did you make me love you back?

Just for drugs, for a gram of white powder. You can't do that to girls, Craig! You CAN'T.

Maybe Manny will put up with it. Maybe Manny will keep coming back after you treat her like shit. Maybe Manny will always be there for you.

But I will NOT.

I've been there your WHOLE life. I have been helping you out ever since you found out you were bipolar. Who do you think told Ashley about Group? Me. And we had a connection Craig. Every time we talked, every minute we spent together, I thought we were getting closer. We WERE getting closer. I thought you noticed, Craig. I thought you LIKED ME BACK.

But you always went to Manny. You would hug me, tell me I was amazing, tell me I was an AMAZING FRIEND.

And then you would bring up Manny. HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THAT I FUCKING LOVED YOU?

Something is SERIOUSLY wrong with you, Craig. Something NEEDS to be checked out.

And I don't mean you being bi-polar.

You might find it hard to believe, but I don't see you as bi-polar. I don't see you as "Crazy Craig."

I see you as an amazing musician, person, and friend, who sometimes makes mistakes. I don't hold things against people, Craig, you know that about me. I try to let go and FORGIVE. But it is so hard.

And this time, it's the hardest. I've forgiven so many people in my life, Craig. The only time it was even CLOSE to this hard was with my mother, and it still wasn't as hard as this.

So. Do I hate you?

Most definitely.

But do I love you?

Yes.

What am I supposed to do, Craig?

Love always and forever,

Ellie

--------------

_Don't you forget about me  
Don't, don't, don't, don't  
Don't you forget about me_

As you walk on by  
Will you call my name  
As you walk on by  
Will you call my name  
When you walk away

--------------

Not too long, but Ellie finally wrote back. )


	6. Policy of Truth

Yayyyy for reviews! Thaaank you!

Policy of Truth is by Depeche Mode

How Soon is Now

Chapter 6: Policy of Truth

--------------

Dear Ellie,

Thank you for writing back.

I'm still sorry. I understand where you're coming from. I wouldn't want to forgive me either. And when I see what you've written, it's even harder.

I think I did notice that you liked me. I think that I liked you too- the whole time. But I liked Manny too. I didn't want to hurt her, or you. Now I've hurt you both.

But I remembered when I cheated on Ashley with Manny... that was hell. I remember how hurt both of them were and I couldn't stand it.

So when I subconsciously realized I liked you, I knew I shouldn't. So I always brought Manny so she could keep an eye on me and make sure I stayed with her. I don't even think I realized what I was doing. I just knew that Manny was my girlfriend and that I couldn't like anyone else.

I liked you more than I liked Manny, though. I knew it. Manny knew it. You knew it. We just didn't want to accept it.

I could have avoided so many problems if I just had the guts to tell Manny she wasn't for me! She would have accepted it and moved on. Then I would be free to love you.

I just wanted it to work out.

That doesn't even make any sense. I don't know why I made the choices I did. It was stupid.

I'm just a screw up, Ellie.

Love,

Craig

--------------

Dear Mom,

I know you're dead. And I know you can't read this. But... I remember I used to write you letters when I was little, hoping you'd get them. I kept them in a little box in the back of my closet. I thought you could read them from heaven, and I would always hope you would somehow write back.

I was reading them before I left. They were interesting to look back on- full of "Dear Mommy, school was fun today!" and "Dear Mom, I like this girl..."

But this letter is different. It's part of my "therapy." My therapist says I need to have closure. And I really didn't get to see you much before you died.

I am in rehab for cocaine addiction.

I know you're disappointed. You didn't raise me that way, you always told me not to do drugs.

But I also have bi-polar disorder. This causes my moods to be in highs and lows. When I'm high, I am on top of the world, nothing can bring me down. But when I'm low, I get violent and angry and I just need to be away from the world.

So drugs helped me to always be high. I'd been doing it for months while I was working on music (I still play guitar) in Vancouver and my life was perfect. Then I went home to visit my friends.

I convinced my girlfriend to do it with me once. We had fun. Then I always expected her to, and she dumped me.

But there was another girl, Ellie. I liked her, too. I still like her. And I told her... but it was while I was high on cocaine. So she doesn't trust me now. And I'm in rehab.

This must be pretty hard to hear. Your son telling you all these stupid choices he made in his life.

You probably also know that my father, your husband, beat me. It was after you died. I blamed you for a long time. We were a perfect family until you left for Joey! Then Dad started getting angry. And when you died, he got violent.

So here comes more closure. It's not your fault that our father was a twisted man! It's not my fault either! It's his!

My therapist says it's good that I can finally accept this.

I love you. Even though you couldn't be there in person, I always felt like you were there in spirit.

Love,

Craig

--------------

The letter to his mom was kind of weird and confusing... but I thought it was a good idea. :)


	7. The Sweetest Perfection

Several people added this story to their favorites list but didn't review! I don't mean to be a bitch, but it's really not that hard! Please keep reviewing!

Anyway... yeah. Here is the long awaited Ashley letter!

Disclaimer: Do not own anything in this chapter or the previous. 

The Sweetest Perfection is by Depeche Mode. Weird song. But good. :) 

--------------

_The sweetest perfection  
To call my own  
The slightest correction  
Couldn't finely hone  
The sweetest infection  
Of body and mind  
Sweetest injection  
Of any kind_

I stop and I stare too much  
Afraid that I care too much  
And I hardly dare to touch  
For fear that the spell may be broken

When I need a drug in me  
And it brings out the thug in me  
Feel something tugging me  
Then I want the real thing not tokens

The sweetest perfection...

Things you'd expect to be  
Having effect on me  
Pass undetectedly  
But everyone knows what has got me

Takes me completely  
Touches so sweetly  
Reaches so deeply  
I know that nothing can stop me  


--------------

Dear Craig,

Hey. Remember me? Ashley Kerwin.

Ellie has been talking to me. She told me all about you and her, you and Manny, you and drugs.

YOU ARE OUT OF CONTROL. Maybe if you'd taken your bipolar disorder SERIOUSLY you wouldn't be here!

I did some research on it. I'm taking an educated guess here- you took the drugs because you always wanted to be on the highs of your life.

Awhile ago, remember, when I was going to London, you thought "what's wrong with being so happy all the time? I don't need to take my medicine!" But you learned that doesn't work and you end up in a homeless shelter with your guitar stolen.

So now- you continue taking that medicine. But then you're never so high and happy. So that's where the drugs come in.

It's a common problem, actually. Most people with bipolar disorder are into drugs as well.

Oh, god. After reading this, I realized that I sound like such a text book. And I'm doing that thing again- where I don't see you, I see your disorder. Okay. I'm sorry. I'll focus on other stuff.

How about, anything you DIDN'T screw up lately? Just in the 5 years I've known you, there were very few relationships you didn't totally screw over.

Okay. I'm sorry again. That was mean.

You are in rehab. That's good. That you're getting help. Well... just... I don't know what else to say.

I'm dating Jimmy again. Isn't that weird? But I really do care about him.

I still do care about you. I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in a while and I'm sorry I haven't been there for you. But I'm glad I got to know you and that we're still semi-friends. (There's a weak smile here.)

So... I'd love it if you wrote back. Thanks.

Love always,

Ashley

--------------

Dear Craig,

Did you know that I liked you when I first met you? I loved that you said hi to me in the library and in the halls at school, I loved that I could see you when I baby-sat Angela, I loved that I could tell people I knew you.

The whole reason Manny and I crashed that dance? To see you. She knew I liked you, and wanted to help me dance with you.

And then you asked to dance with Manny.

It totally crushed me. What did Manny have that I didn't? You'd never even talked to her! You knew me! Was Manny prettier than me? Didn't I look better than her?

But when you went on that first date... you and Manny were perfect for each other. You look cute together, you like each other... when I saw you together, I realized that you and me never would have worked out, and I totally supported Manny when she told me she liked you.

You always go back to her. So why aren't you now? You know you will always love her, I know you will always love her. Tell her!

What have you got to lose?

Emma

--------------

_Sweetest perfection  
An offer was made  
An assorted collection  
But I wouldn't trade_

The sweetest perfection...

Takes me completely  
Touches so sweetly  
Reaches so deeply  
Nothing can stop me

--------------

The Ashley letter wasn't as good as I imagined. Sorry. Any suggestions?

That was kind of weird- that Emma thing. I guess this part is during "If You Leave" when Emma doesn't like Manny's new boyfriend, so she's trying to convince Craig to take her back without saying that it's only because she doesn't like Damian.


	8. Enjoy the Silence

Heyy sorry I haven't written in a while. I was gone for a week and then I REALLY couldn't think of how to reply to the last letter.

This chapter was written with "Ohmigod You Guys" from the Legally Blonde Soundtrack in the background. Haha- it was free on iTunes this week.

Disclaimer: Uhhh. Don't own anything.

Enjoy the Silence is by Depeche Mode

How Soon is Now?

Chapter 8: Enjoy the Silence

--------------

_Words like violence  
Break the silence  
Come crashing in  
Into my little world  
Painful to me  
Pierce right through me  
Cant you understand  
Oh my little girl_

All I ever wanted  
All I ever needed  
Is here in my arms  
Words are very unnecessary  
They can only do harm

Vows are spoken  
To be broken  
Feelings are intense  
Words are trivial  
Pleasures remain  
So does the pain  
Words are meaningless  
And forgettable  


_All I ever wanted  
All I ever needed  
Is here in my arms  
Words are very unnecessary  
They can only do harm_

--------------

Ashley...

I was surprised when I first got your letter.

Why are you writing NOW? You choose to ignore me for over a year, and then when you finally decide to say something, it's to fucking yell at me for something that you just "heard about."

You ALWAYS do this, Ash! You did it when we were together, you do it now.

I AM HUMAN. I MAKE MISTAKES.

You don't need to constantly remind me with a "friendly letter" every time I do something wrong! I know! I screwed up! I am a terrible person! What else am I supposed to say??? What will make you happy?

You know what? Scratch that. I don't CARE what'll make YOU happy. Surprise! This isn't about YOU!

Would you like a list of things YOU'VE done wrong? I'll just give you top five- I don't want to waste paper with the whole list.

5. You wrote a fucking song about how much you hated me.

4. You turned your friends against me.

3. You automatically assumed that I'd MEANT to hurt you.

2. You don't listen to me!

And number 1??

You ditched me IN LONDON for some guy you JUST MET and didn't even TELL ME.

Yeah! I still remember! It didn't just get less bad over time. Ooh, wow, Craig has FEELINGS!

You thought that I just did stuff without thinking, right? No. IT KILLS ME THAT I WASN'T IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR YOU. I LOVED YOU ASH, FUCKING LOVED YOU, and I thought you loved me too.

And yet when you had a new boyfriend, you neglected to mention it to me! It just "slipped your mind," right? You "meant to tell me" but you "totally forgot."

And also, thanks for apologizing! I really appreciate it. Wow, thanks for calling and explaining it so nicely and making me feel better! I really liked that we kept being friends.

And in case you were wondering? THAT WAS SARCASTIC. NONE OF THAT HAPPENED.

I am so mad at you right now. We are NOT semi-friends. NO WEAK SMILE. (There's a STRONG GLARE here.)

Not everything I do is meant to irritate you, Ashley. GET OVER YOURSELF.

-Craig

--------------

_Enjoy the silence_

--------------

Not very long... but I liked that letter. :)

Review, please!!


	9. Calm Inside the Storm

Thanks for reviewing!! Glad you guys like it. :)

Um... okay. I still don't own anything.

This chapter is kind of boring, but I've got some really good Craig-Ellie stuff coming up.

Calm Inside the Storm is by Cyndi Lauper

--------------

Dear Craig,

I'm sorry Emma sent you that letter. I know what you're thinking- but I didn't put her up to it.

She was mad at me- I'm dating a boy from a rival school, she doesn't like it.

My boyfriend is so stable. I'm not used to this- he treats me with respect, we talk more than we make out, and guess what? I haven't gotten pregnant yet. Wow! That's a record, huh? Haha.

I've actually been talking to Ellie. I know, it's Cucko Bananas!! We sort of made up. We're not really "friends" but it's not totally hostile every time we see each other. We say a civil "hey, what's up." No fighting, no throwing drumsticks at heads...

I think I'm finally over you. I hope you're over me. I don't know why I'm forgiving you this easily- I know Ellie isn't. I guess you treated her worse than you treated me...

I'm sorry rehab sucks. I'm sorry they treat you like crap. I hope this letter makes you feel slightly better! (Haha- yeah right.)

Well... anyway. I'll always listen if you have any problems. Please just write... I'd love to hear from you again.

xoxo,

Manny

--------------

Dear Craig,

Your letter made me SO EFFING MAD. I was SHAKING I was so angry at you. How DARE you say that to me? Craig, I didn't know you could say things so mean!

But I guess... you do have the right. I was a bitch. I did a lot of mean stuff and you let it go, while I beat you over the head with everything you'd done.

I'm sorry.

I'm glad you finally told me how you felt. I think it would've worked out better if you'd told me at the time... but... at least you told me now.

I don't know why I haven't called you or talked to you. I just never thought there was a reason. I figured you were fine, whatever. I never thought of it. Why haven't you ever talked to me???

Well. I know this really is unexpected (I bet you were guessing I was going to send you a bitchy letter and then totally ignore you for the rest of your life, or until you were on your knees apologizing?)

No... I really am trying to see things from other people's perspectives.

So, even though you almost made me CRY, hurt my feelings, and made me want to strangle you, I do apologize. And I hope you can do the same thing. (Hint, hint.)

Ashley

--------------

Dear Craig,

I'm glad rehab is so good for you! I think you're really understanding the base of your problems and starting to let go. It's great that your roommate and all the other guys there are so encouraging, and your therapist seems to work wonders.

It was great visiting you! Sorry your roommate wasn't feeling well, I really would have liked to meet him. Oh, well, maybe next time.

Angela says hi, she drew you a picture, which I put in the envelope!

The garage is great, Caitlin is fine, and everything else is pretty much normal.

See you soon!

Joey

--------------

Soo... yeah. Pretty boring, hope you liked it anyway.

If you want more good stuff, REVIEW!! I would at least like 2 reviews per chapter. Thanks!!


	10. I Ran

Yeahh... I was just reading the lyrics to this song and I was like WHOA ITS ELLIE! Haha. (Auburn hair and tawny eyes.)

Sooo...

Still don't own anything...

I Ran is by A Flock of Seagulls

--------------

_I walked along the avenue.  
I never thought Id meet a girl like you  
Meet a girl like you  
With auburn hair and tawny eyes  
The kind of eyes that hypnotize me through  
Hypnotize me through_

And I ran, I ran so far away  
I just ran, I ran all night and day  
I couldn't get away

A cloud appears above your head  
A beam of light comes shining down on you  
Shining down on you  
The cloud is moving nearer still  
Aurora borealis comes in view  
Aurora comes in view

And I ran, I ran so far away  
I just ran, I ran all night and day  
I couldn't get away

_--------------_

Dear Ellie,

I haven't heard from you in awhile. You've only written once so far... but I can't say I blame you. I know you have a life and you don't have time to be concerned about some drug addict.

But I really want you to write. I hate not being in your life. I know you don't want me in it, but you don't have to forgive me! Just write, tell me about university. Tell my about the paper, tell me about your journalism classes. I really want to know how you're doing and I want to know what's going on in your life.

I've been thinking a lot lately... they give us a lot of time to do that here. It's so quiet you feel like you HAVE to be thinking.

I know it sounds cliché but therapy and stuff here is really helping. It's helped me realize how much I have. Even if I had a bad child hood, I have a personality disorder, I will never make it as musician, and I tried to get rid of all that by taking drugs, I still have so much to be thankful for.

I appreciate Joey so much more.

But most of all I appreciate that you wrote me that one letter. I read it every time I feel like giving up on this and just saying "SCREW REHAB LET ME OUT." I've MEMORIZED the damn letter, El!

You DO NOT KNOW how much you mean to me!! I sound like such a girl... going on about my feelings. That's enough for now. Haha.

I don't really know what I thought was going to happen when I apologized... I didn't expect for you to forgive me right away and run back to me, but somehow I sort of thought that would happen. That never happens.

Well... I've been writing a lot of songs. They let us use felt tip pens. I asked them to let me play my guitar once in awhile, so they put me in a soundproof room for an hour and let me go at it.

Almost all my songs are about you.

Ellie, please write back.

Love,

Craig

--------------

Dear Ellie,

I know it's only been a few days since I last wrote, but I wanted to write to you again. Writing letters is kinda fun. It's just like talking... but you can say a bunch of stuff before the other person does.

Rehab is getting a little bit more tolerable. If you avoid all the really violent guys, you're much better off. They do pushups in their rooms and sweat a lot... you can hear them grunting through their doors. I hang out in the library a lot and write songs... read books.

I don't talk very much. Some of the guys get really into it at group sessions, but... I just wait until I talk to my actual therapist. It's easier when you're alone.

I have a song for you... I want to send it to you. I can't record myself playing it... but I'll send you the lyrics. If you want them.

Love,

Craig

--------------

_  
Reached out a hand to touch your face  
You're slowly disappearing from my view  
Disappearing from my view  
Reached out a hand to try again  
I'm floating in a beam of light with you  
A beam of light with you_

And I ran, I ran so far away.  
I just ran, I ran all night and day.  
I couldn't get away.

--------------

I'm not sure if that really sounded like Craig... but... I hope so. :)

Please review!

Aaand I'll be out of town next week... so it'll be awhile for the next letter. :)

Ahh sorry to be off topic--- but did you guys see South of Nowhere last night??? Wasn't it AMAZING???

And did you see that preview for the new Degrassi season in the fall... with Peter and Darcy fighting... and wasn't that girl who was commenting Naturally Sadie??? (I don't know her actual name haha) But I know Shenae has been on Naturally Sadie, but it would be weird if Sadie was on Degrassi...


	11. Running Up That Hill

Ahh wow I am soo sorry I haven't written in so long! I've been so freaking busy this year... gahh school sucks. I have volleyball practice everyday, and then I do my homework, take a shower, eat dinner, and go to bed by 9. Yeah. Intense. It's almost over though, and then maybe I can finish this story! Or keep working on it at least. Hahaha. Okay... thanks for sticking around!!

Running Up That Hill is by Kate Bush

--------------

_It doesn't hurt me  
Do you want to feel how it feels?  
Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me?  
Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?  
You, it's you and me_

_And if I only could  
I'd make a deal with God  
And I'd get him to swap our places  
Be running up that road  
Be running up that hill  
Be running up that building  
If I only could, oh..._

_You don't want to hurt me  
But see how deep the bullet lies  
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder  
Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts_

_Is there so much hate for the ones we love?  
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?  
You, it's you and me  
It's you and me won't be unhappy_

_And if I only could,  
I'd make a deal with God  
And I'd get him to swap our places  
Be running up that road  
Be running up that hill  
Be running up that building  
Say, if I only could, oh..._

_You,  
It's you and me,  
It's you and me won't be unhappy_

_C'mon, baby, c'mon darling  
Let me steal this moment from you now  
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling  
Let's exchange the experience, oh..._

_And if I only could,  
I'd make a deal with God,  
And I'd get him to swap our places,  
Be running up that road  
Be running up that hill  
With no problems._

--------------

Dear Craig,

I don't know what's kept me from writing.

Actually I do know, scratch that.

I wanted to forget you. I wanted to forget about how much pain you caused me, how much you mean to me, how much I miss you, how much I love you...

I figured you'd stop writing if I didn't ever write back. You'd get mad and hate me. (Not a good plan, right?) Because your letters kept coming and I kept remembering.

College is good... the paper is good. I like writing, I'm getting assignments, I'm working hard. I'm fine.

I smiled for the whole day when I read that you kept my one letter. I only sent one letter and you didn't hate me- you read it every day just to hold on to me. That was so sweet, Craig- it was one of the nicest things I've ever heard.

I'm sorry I didn't write. I was being selfish- hoping that I could get rid of pain. Pain from the past, too. It's over now, and not writing caused me even more pain because I had to see you miss a bitch who was trying to get you mad at her. (That bitch would be me.)

Just listen to this- I know it's hard to imagine it as being heartfelt when it's on paper, but really Craig, I mean every word I'm writing down. I'll try to call you... maybe not now. It's easier telling you this on paper. But I want to hear your voice.

And I would love to hear any song you've written. Maybe you can send me the lyrics now, and you can sing it over the phone. Just send it- I can't wait.

Once again, Craig, I am so sorry. I hope you don't hate me, because even though I tried, I could never hate you.

Love always,

Ellie

--------------

_And if I only could  
I'd make a deal with God  
And I'd get him to swap our places  
Be running up that road  
Be running up that hill  
With no problems_

--------------

AGAIN: I am sorry I haven't updated in soooo long!! I love you all and thanks for sticking around!!

Hahaha I'm so excited for Degrassi of the Dead. XD


	12. Lucky Star

I actually wrote the song myself... so be nice about it haha. :)

--------------

Ellie,

Thank you for finally writing back!! Of course I don't hate you, I could never hate you. Your reason for not writing makes sense. I even thought of doing the same thing. I tried, for awhile. But here, there's nothing to distract me and I couldn't stop thinking about you until I finally gave in and picked up the pen.

Here's your song.

_I don't know what to do with myself_

_There's nothing left but feelings of regret_

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry_

_But all the pieces that I've broken into_

_Scattered all across the floor like glass_

_(so sharp, so sharp)_

_Every single one of them_

_They point to one thing_

_You are there every single morning_

_(Hello, Beautiful)_

_Running through my mind_

_(you always were so fast)_

_Even though I know_

_I know it won't last_

_Every single time that I close my eyes_

_I have endless visions of yours_

_Dark green, dark green _

_(I could get lost- I could drown- but I deserve it)_

_And every little thing that I can remember_

_Your beautiful hair, your eyes, your smile_

_(it's you, it's you)_

_I can't see anything else_

_I don't want to_

_You are there every single morning_

_(Hello, Beautiful)_

_Running through my mind_

_(you always were so fast)_

_Even though I know_

_I know it won't last_

_I'd say it wasn't my fault_

_(but it was)_

_I'll tell you everything I can_

_To make it up to you_

_(it won't be enough)  
I'm sorry, I'm sorry_

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry_

_I'm sorry, I'm _

_sorry now_

_Every single time that I close my eyes_

_I have endless visions of yours_

_Dark green, dark green_

_(I could get lost- I could drown- but I deserve it)_

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry_

_You are there every single morning_

_(Hello, Beautiful)_

_Running through my mind_

_(you always were so fast)_

_Even though I know_

_I know it won't last_

_(I'm sorry, I'm sorry)_

I know it won't last

Tell me what you think.

Love,

Craig

--------------

Dear Joey and Angela,

How are you guys? Rehab is sooo great! I'm having a ton of fun with the other guys and learning a ton... I really feel like I'm getting better. I know a lot more about how to deal with my problems.

Sorry I haven't written in awhile- I've been hanging out with other guys and I haven't had time. Thanks for the picture, Angie! I hung it up in my room and I love it!

I can't wait to see you next week when you visit!

Love,

Craig

--------------

Dear Manny,

I'm sorry I haven't written in so long. I've been thinking a lot lately- about what has affected my life, what people have made an impact on me.

You are so important to me. Just wanted to say it. You made a huge impact on my life and I really appreciate you always being there for me and putting up with my crap.

Well... I'm going to go before this gets too sappy. But thanks again.

Love,

Craig

--------------

Dear Emma,

I'm sorry I haven't written in so long. I've been thinking a lot lately- about what has affected my life, what people have made an impact on me.

You are so important to me. Just wanted to say it. You made a huge impact on my life and I really appreciate you always being there for me and putting up with my crap.

Well... I'm going to go before this gets too sappy. But thanks again.

Love,

Craig

--------------

Dear Ashley,

I'm sorry I haven't written in so long. I've been thinking a lot lately- about what has affected my life, what people have made an impact on me.

You are so important to me. Just wanted to say it. You made a huge impact on my life and I really appreciate you always being there for me and putting up with my crap.

Well... I'm going to go before this gets too sappy. But thanks again.

Love,

Craig

--------------

Well... kinda boring, but I do like my song lol. Enjoy the chapter! Review!!

On Degrassi- Ahh I feel so bad for Spinner!! Awww.


End file.
